Identity

When the rubber meets the road, the Christian will do everything to remain in control. Trusting God is great and all, as long as it means I don't have to stop relying on myself! In one week, I learned about my need for a dental operation beyond my budget, all that I owe the IRS for self-employment (even though I live below the poverty line), and that my computer with every sermon note, recording, PowerPoint, and graphic design has been lost in a “catastrophic hard drive failure,” as the repairmen called it. I won’t bore this record with the other miscellaneous mini-crises. I write this down, not mainly to complain, embarrass myself, or insinuate that I am underpaid by the Boss. I write this as the words from a Christian mentor creep into my mind. He recently asked me about identity; these were timely remarks. I paraphrase: "If you were to take away everything by which you identify yourself - that you're an American, a minister, well-educated, employed, somewhat urban, etc. - what would be left? What is your true identity behind all of those masks?" If I shed every identifier, what would my identity be? What came into my mind was not ideal. I would later say to Julia, "We need to come up with a more Jesus-centered way to deal with our problems." Comparatively, I would note that my initial responses to the "catastrophic" events listed above were not ideal. The computer situation creates this ironic vignette: if all of the sermon files and recordings were lost, what impact would be left? And truly their ongoing impact matters more than for them to have been unfruitful kept. It's a reminder, too, that I am not my ministry; it's not even my ministry. Old-school Lecrae rapped, "Identity is found in the God we trust. Any other identity will self-destruct." The identity of Caleb and the identity of any ministry must be for and with Jesus for it to survive. And sometimes it takes the things outside of our control to realize what really matters.